In my last relationship, I became someone I didn't recognise.

I got lazy. Unmotivated. Comfortable. I'd skip the gym to lie in bed instead. I'd snooze my alarm three, four times before dragging myself up. I stopped pushing myself, because comfort was right there, and comfort was easier.

It took the relationship ending for me to actually notice how far I'd drifted. Since then, I've slowly been rebuilding — not the relationship, but myself. Here's what's actually worked.

Make the Bad Habit Harder to Access

Willpower runs out. Friction doesn't. Instead of relying on discipline alone, I made the habit itself physically harder to fall into. I bought an alarm and put it on the other side of the room, so snoozing it meant getting out of bed first. That one change did more than any amount of "trying harder" ever did. Look at your own bad habit and ask: what's the one piece of friction I can add to make the easy option slightly less easy?

Change Your Identity, Not Just Your Behaviour

"I'm trying to drink less" and "I'm not really a big drinker" sound similar, but they aren't. The first is a rule you're fighting against. The second is just who you are. Behaviour that contradicts a rule feels like failure. Behaviour that contradicts your identity feels wrong in a different, more permanent way. The fastest way to break a bad habit long-term is to stop seeing it as something you're resisting, and start seeing it as something that isn't you anymore.

Don't Punish Failure

Relapsing into an old habit doesn't erase your progress, but treating it like a disaster will slow it down. The all-or-nothing mindset — "I messed up, so what's the point" — is what turns one skipped gym session into a skipped week. Expect to slip. Plan for it. The goal isn't a perfect streak, it's getting back on track quickly when you don’t.

I'm not the same person I was in that relationship. Not because I decided to try harder — but because I made the bad habits harder to fall into, started becoming someone they didn't belong to, and stopped punishing myself every time I slipped.

Pick one bad habit you're trying to break. This week, do just one thing: add a single piece of friction that makes it harder to fall into. Don't aim for perfect — aim for slightly harder to slip.

— Nate